My boyfriend told me he is in love with his Ex in a drunken stupor. Do I break up with him?
The following question is from a client, and following, is my response to her.
My boyfriend of a year, who kept telling me how in love he was with me, told me in a very drunken stupor that he wasn’t sure if he loved me… he loves his ex girlfriend. Now, of course he is denying everything and professing his undying love for me. I’m not really sure how to handle this. I want to break up. What do you think Alice?”
I am going to take a wild guess and say that he does love you, but may still be ‘in love’ with her. However, maybe by ‘in love’, he means that their chemistry was super intense, maybe sex was super passionate and he misses it.
I may be wrong, but men sometimes use the words ‘in love’ wrongly. By in love they could simply mean in lust or missing sexual chemistry.
Here are your options:
- Assume the worst, leave him and move on.
If you feel like your trust is probably just on a downhill slope now, then you’ll have to be mindful that it will take a while to build that trust back up again.
I am not sure exactly how you would build that back up at this moment in time, but there is a way (you’ll need his help).
Many couples do it every day. In fact, Esther Perel said once that it is entirely possible to build trust back up after infidelity, let alone just a few words said in a drunken stupor.
Maybe you need to give each other a break for a bit, create some space, realize your value and see how you feel first. Here’s a good article on increasing your value as a woman to men.
- Make him feel safe and inspire him to be truly honest with you.
Assure him that you can take it without having an emotional outburst and being deeply hurt (which is what men most want to avoid).
Have a conversation. Sit him down and talk to him. Ask non leading questions and go from there.
I never take what a drunk person says seriously. If they are confessing their love I would tell them to tell me when they are sober.
I would give it some more time if you truly like him. I wouldn’t believe anything he told you in a drunken stupor, that’s just the alcohol talking. Talk to him when he’s sober.
I know people sometimes say “A drunk man…speaks a sober mans mind”, but to be honest, that has not always been my personal experience.
Plenty of people have had too much too drink and told their partner that they truly loved at the time strange things, including that they loved someone else. They usually do not mean it.
Some don’t even know why they said it. This is the effect of alcohol. You can say things and then not realize why you said it, because it wasn’t true.
So never take what anyone says under the influence of a substance for truth.
Follow Your Heart
Whatever option you choose to take, there’s always one final answer that it comes down to. And that is…
Follow your heart. I’ve learned that the best thing we can do for ourselves is to follow our heart.
You need to consider what is the value that this man in your life brings to the table.
I imagine it was a hurtful experience for you. Sometimes we make mistakes that we immensely regret.
Here’s the question you need to ask yourself: “Is there remorse, acceptance of responsibility for his actions?”
Is this a one time situation or did you notice any other indicators that he displayed?
These would be the questions I would suggest that you ask. But the bottom line is following your heart, because trusting yourself is the most important process to self-respect and high value in the end of it all.