Here’s a question from a reader:
A long story short, I’ve been dating a man for a number of months now and we’ve decided to be official.
I have met his family/some of his friends, and am enjoying the process of learning more about each other and looking forward to what this connection has in store.
Thus far it has really been easy with him. Nothing thus far has pointed out that he isn’t flakey. He’s direct, emotionally available, shows up, communicative, and driven.
A too good to be true situation right?
When we initially started dating, he disclosed that he has a child from a previous relationship. Which to me is no problem as I too am a single parent.
He was in a short romance two years ago with a woman that eventually became a not so healthy situation.
According to him, he tried to make it work…but realised in the end that it would work out. He broke it off with her, she moved back to her hometown…two months later revealed that she was pregnant and planned on keeping the child.
He did what any noble man would do… be there 100% for the child but was not interested in pursuing a romantic dynamic with her as he tried so many times before to make it work.
The child is one years old now, and its has been rather tough on him because he is not able to visit his daughter as often as he would like. However, he and his ex make it work. She comes down for visits and he travels to her city as well.
He has been away for four days now visiting his daughter and his ex in her hometown. Plan was to be there for a couple of days. First staying at a hotel/spa for a day, traveling to a nearby town to celebrate the birthday of his ex’s mother the next, traveling to another city with his ex and his daughter at a theme park on the third day, and eventually making his way back home on the fourth.
I completely understand that he perhaps wants to focus all of his attention with his daughter as he doesn’t see her very often as he would like. I get it being a mother myself.
When my son is with me, all of my love and attention is focused on him. But I haven’t heard from my bf at all since Wednesday. Which is very usual for him. We usually talk/text everyday, even on those occasions where he travelled abroad for work.
Even when he was visiting his daughter on previous occasions, he would send a quick text to say goodnight, or send me a random meme, or even say that he was thinking of me.
But this time, he has gone completely MIA. He’s a social media guy as well, and I’ve noticed him logged in on several occasions, but not a word from him.
In any other situation I wouldn’t worry about this. Space and time with family is a must. But there was something he told me a couple of days before his trip that has my anxiety rising a bit.
He revealed a little bit more information about his ex (as we were talking about parenting and such one night…and he expressed wanting to eventually meet my son when I feel comfortable with it), that she was very manipulative and that he and his family were aware of it, and that she uses their daughter as a means of having control over him which hurts him very deeply as all he wants is a healthy relationship with his child.
Due to the information he told me, I have a feeling that something happened while he was away as him going radio silent is not like him at all.
How would you deal with a situation like this? I don’t want to be involved in any family drama, as it isn’t my place. But I am concerned with what is going on with him.
Thanks,
C.
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Ok C, here’s my answer…
When He Doesn’t Bother To Call You: What To Do To Stay High Value?
Hi C,
You’ve spent a great deal of energy wondering about him and his actions.
I simply ask you this:
What do you want?
Do you want a guy that leaves you anxiety stricken? It’s not really doing you any good by you trying to “figure him out”.
The better thing to do is to ask yourself point blank what is it you want from him?
Is it someone to only think of you quickly before bed or in the morning?
Kids or no kids; it is a problem when people say “oh my kids come first”.
It’s really just an excuse – as yes they should put their kids first but so should you. Both can. If you were leading towards marriage; if that’s what you want, I always say, a husband would have to learn how to prioritize.
He just showed you that you are not even worthy of a text!
Yet, he’s a man. He knows if he doesn’t reach out this sends a woman a signal. A man does exactly as he wants. Don’t question this about him.
If he has time to log on to social media he has time to “communicate” something tender to you.
MORE: 15 Insights Reveal How Guys Text When They Like You.
I’m not sure how long you’ve been dating. I’m assuming you’ve been intimate, which means you’ve trusted him with your body, and now this?
Is this how YOU want to be treated?
Quit rationalizing for him. When he gets back home and finally reaches out, I’d give him a taste of his own medicine.
DO NOT RESPOND to him for equal amount of days. It’s not playing a game; it sending a message that you are worth more than this.
He needs to man up and treat you properly in ALL situations. This baby mama is not going anywhere, and clearly he put you second.
Do you want to be second in line?
Do you want to be an afterthought?
Your heart is in his hands and he chose to ignore you!
I don’t care what the situation is, take this as a RED flag.
It shows his character. Don’t look at all these tiny details look at this man’s overall character.
If he can’t check in on the person he is in a relationship with, then clearly he lacks character.
Why should you be second in line when him and the ex are clearly in a tangle?
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How To Stay High Value: Know What You Want
So I ask you again:
What do you want? I don’t just mean want do you think you want superficially.
I mean what does your heart want. If you don’t know the answer to this question, then you will keep tolerating this, and you’ll never really be aware of what his intentions are or what he actually wants from you.
I bet if you dig deeper inside yourself, you’d tell us a few more scenarios where his true character has shined through?
A man’s either solid all around in his actions or not. Not saying they don’t have flaws but until he has all this baby mama confusion under control, I’d walk away.
Tell him to figure the part with his ex out, get it into balance, and then you and him can regroup and see if there’s any hope for the future together.
Tell him exactly that! You don’t want to be in the situation where not only were you second to child, but you were actually third in line.
If you tolerate that long enough, you’ll end up a broken woman.
Stand your ground, and revel in your true worth. Always remember, you are a high value woman!
Love,
Alice.