Some women repeat the same psychological conflicts throughout their love life, from adolescence to adulthood.
Even through dating different partners, some women tend to repeat the following patterns and problems:
Idealizing their partner
Insecurity in themselves
Feeling of inferiority, among others.
Worst of all, these women tend to choose men as partners who continue these toxic patterns and deepen that discomfort.
Due to all that pain, the day eventually comes when they analyze their behavior and their past relationships and wonder “is it me?”
“Am I the one with the issues?”
After many partners accusing them of having problems with insecurity and a lack of independence,, they may even begin to ask themselves this question: “DO I HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES?
If the answer is a yes, then the good news is that they can work on these abandonment issues even as an adult, and eventually overcome them.
Identify abandonment issues
The problems that a woman suffers due to an inadequate childhood or due to trauma are reflected in her love life. These problems are often called abandonment issues in adults.
Yes, even adults have them and this is because of unresolved trauma and insecure attachment during their childhood.
Over time this woman tends to repeat certain patterns within the dynamics of each relationship she has. Knowing these characteristics well serves to help her become aware of the problem and work to overcome it.
Here are some of the symptoms of abandonment issues in relationships:
- IDEALIZATION: they idealize the man they chose as their partner. This is not ideal, since the woman ignores the defects of her partner and overestimates the virtues he may have.
- POSSESSIVENESS: they feel they are the absolute owners of their partners. They do not understand that each one is the owner of his own life, even if they are in a committed couple.
- EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE: they only feel good when the relationship is going well. However, if they fight with their partner, they feel their world is falling apart and they will inevitably be abandoned.
They do not understand that we can gain fulfillment in many areas of life and for many reasons.
For example: personal goals, fun, healthy friendships, travel, study, etc. They are emotionally dependent on their partners and cannot break the umbilical cord. They make the man they have chosen the center of their lives and give them the sole responsibility for making them feel happy and alleviating their insecurities.
This understandably drains from the adult relationship.
- INSECURITY IN THEMSELVES: they have an irrational fear that their partner will abandon them.
- SENSE OF INFERIORITY: they feel that they are not on the same level as their partner. They feel they are not good enough to sustain a stable relationship over time.
- ANTICIPATED LOSER ATTITUDE: some women do not fully commit to the man they have chosen because they assume in advance that the relationship will not work.
This is called preemptively pushing a man away.
- POOR CHOICES IN LOVE: they choose men who reinforce their poor pre conceived ideas about themselves They tend to choose men who are unfaithful, emotionally cold and emotionally unavailable, or have trouble forming a stable relationship.
The first step in overcoming each of the problems described is to identify them. That’s always the first step, right?
Then we work on each of them by understanding the where they came from and what their current usefulness is in our life. Indeed, we may ask whether or not they are useful at all?
Then the limiting beliefs that lead us to make bad choices in relationships are broken.
The origin of abandonment issues
Abandonment issues originate in childhood and have a lifelong influence on how our relationships turn out in adulthood.
However, if this problem is identified early it can be solved and left behind.
Some children have been abandoned by both parents or by one of them.
It should be noted that this abandonment is not always literal. That means that the feeling of abandonment does not occur because the parents have disappeared from the child’s life.
Sometimes, certain circumstances simply cause the child to repeatedly feel abandoned.
For example: the parents work all day outside the home and have no time to attend to and be with the child’s emotional needs.
Without time for the guidance and education of their children, the children can often feel left to fend for themselves way before they are emotionally ready to do so.
Another common reason for abandonment issues in adults is that their parents left them in the care of other people. Even though these people might be trusted by the parents, they are not trusted by the child.
Of course, there are also other reasons for abandonment issues to manifest such as emotionally unavailable parents, death of the parents, among other circumstances.
The Feminine Woman has a great article on how to test yourself for abandonment issues and signs you have abandonment issues. Click here to read more from The Feminine Woman.
The valuable help of psychological therapy
If you come to the conclusion that you have abandonment issues, that’s a great first step. The first step is feeling that and acknowledging that.
Secondly, you should know that psychological therapy can help you work through and solve this problem for yourself.
In general, a therapist can help you to relate your own childhood experiences with the patterns and conflicts you have within your romantic relationships today.
You become aware of the negative beliefs that affect your relationship.
Then you take control of your own behavior and stop manifesting these conflicts that prevent you from being happy in your relationships.
You rebuild your self-esteem and can then relate to your partner from a renewed and positive perspective.
Overcome abandonment issues right now
If you have abandonment problems, you can take action right now to begin to overcome them.
Working with the goal to overcome this problem will help you keep that conflict from boycotting your love life.
Below are some valuable mindsets and ideas for leaving abandonment issues behind for good…
- FEAR OF ABANDONMENT IS NORMAL: fear is inherent in the human being. However, you should never allow it to take total control of any aspect of your life.
- BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF: no one has the obligation to solve your problems. You are smart enough to take charge of your own emotional and psychological challenges.
- SELF-ESTEEM: try to develop an unconditional love for yourself. You must always be the priority, because if you’re not, everyone else that you have a relationship with will ultimately suffer.
- CONTROL THE CONVERSATION YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF: you should work to eliminate negative self talk and stop focusing on all the terrible ways you’re going to be abandoned and forgotten about. To do that though, you first need to understand deeply why your negative focuses and fears are taking the driver’s seat in your life as we discussed above.
- FILL YOUR OWN EXISTENTIAL GAPS: we all have them. Our obligation is to identify our voids and work to “fill them”.
- Never leave that task to others. Remember that we all have the capacity to build an identity of which we are proud.
Emotional self-sufficiency will allow us to develop a solid intimate relationship. Once we build a strong identity healthy love will manifest in our reality.
Self-esteem: the key to healthy emotions
When a child feels abandoned by his or her parents, he or she mistakenly believes that it is his fault and that they are inherently unloveable.
He or she feels that there is something wrong with them and that is why he was abandoned.
Unfortunately, this negative feeling persists into adulthood.
Many women transfer this conflict to their love life. The key to overcoming it is to realize that we all deserve to be loved. We are all inherently worthy.
If at some point in life we have suffered abandonment, it was not your fault. We remain valuable, regardless of any context.
Keep in mind that you should always value yourself as an individual first and foremost.
Then you will see that this self-esteem and your resolve to add value to yourself first, will be reflected in the quality of your intimate relationship with a man.
If you have read this article and consequently decide that the answer to the question “DO I HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES?” is a ‘yes’ – then remember that you have the power to overcome this.
You start with identifying the issues you have. Then you see how they came to fruition. And then you work to see how your patterns have been serving you.
Once you acknowledge them and their role, you can begin to set them free and let them go to another time and place.
Of course, you cannot ignore the task of building solid self-esteem that allows you to be emotionally self-sufficient.
When you are able to do this, then less external circumstances will cause you the emotional upheaval that you may have experienced repeatedly in the past.
It is your birthright to feel secure, to have healthy attachment in adult relationships and to experience inner peace.
Moving forward, remember that you can most definitely influence the success and happiness of your relationships. You are not destined to be alone. You are destined to be deeply bonded to a man who you trust and can rely on!